waiting....

Why is waiting so hard??? I guess it's not hard to wait if you don't want what's coming...like a trip to the dentist....and I know waiting doesn't kill you! I think of all the times I've waited thinking the day would never come - high school graduation, college graduation, our wedding day, the birth of the boys, each move, each fantastic vacation.....maybe this wait is so much harder b/c it doesn't have a date or even a month attached to it!?!?! It's just plain and simple - wait.

Please join me in praying that God will give me grace during this waiting period. I'm a disaster....I feel like my heart is on the other side of the world...and we don't even know who she is!!!! I find that so incredibly amazing. I love her so much!!! I feel like I'm 9 months pregnant - but maybe I'm only 8 or 7....see what I mean??? It's CRAZY!!! At least with a pregnancy you knew when your absolute DONE date was - of course you hoped it was earlier -but at least there was a definite done date!!!

Every day I wrestle with keeping my head above the water....being loving, patient, nurturing to my family, friends, customers....when all I really want to do is sit and dream about Ellie. It's funny to think that even a year ago we had no idea the path our life would take. And now I can't even envision our life not right here....well...unless we were actually in ET - I can envision THAT!!!

So to pass the time we've decided to get our vaccinations done - tomorrow. We haven't told all the boys that they'll need Hep A :( Apparently it's far too common for your little one to bring it home with her & infect the whole family - even the ones who don't travel. The rest of us (Matt, myself & Jack) will be getting Hep A, Hep B, Typhoid, & making sure our Tetnus is up to date. So maybe even more than praying for me not to go crazy waiting - pray for my little ones as they get poked for sissy tomorrow!

HIV+ testimonial

***This is my favorite testimonial from the site www.positivelyadopted.com***

I'm an "over-protective" mom. (If you look up 'over protective' in the dictionary, you'll see me.) I'm the mom who considers bike helmets non-negotiable and doesn't allow the kids to lick the cake batter bowl because they could get salmonella poisoning from the eggs. Our house rule is no driver's liscense until the kids are 18, I spray door knobs with Lysol, and (no joke) I cut grapes in quarters until my kids are in kindergarten. (Hey! Don't laugh! Studies show that grapes are the perfect size and shape to get lodged in little throats, and they are 1 of the top 5 most frequently choked on foods!) Yes, I'm over protective and, to be honest, I'm PROUD of it. My children were entrusted to my care and they are my treasures. I would die for them. I don't believe in wishy washy, mamby pamby, half hearted parenting. My kids are my life and I would do anything to protect them. Anything.

Fast forward to our story. I was surfing the net one day for other blogs of adoptive moms. I ran into a couple of blogs by some ladies named Carolyn and Erin. As I read about their families, I realized that they had not just 'adopted', like our family... they had adopted kids with HIV. *Full stop.* All I could think was

"WOW. Isn't it great that these families have the courage to do that. But I never could."

I was intrigued, though, so I poked around and was truly surprised and amazed to find a bunch of other families that had also done this "unthinkable" thing. Why weren't they TERRIFIED for the safety of their other children? Were they careless parents? Why were they okay with something so RADICAL and RISKY!? We had 4 kids in our home already and the thought of putting them in danger was 100% unacceptable. No way. No how.

But... I'm curious by nature and I'm a researcher at heart...so I started researching. I read everything I could get my hands on about HIV/AIDS and the adoption of children with the disease. And a funny thing happened... the MORE I read, the LESS I feared.

My husband started researching with me. Expert after expert, scientific study after scientific study... they all confirmed over and over again that HIV is spread through SEX and DRUG NEEDLES, not bizarre accidents or causal contact Period. (And if we can't believe experts like Dr. Joel Gallant of John Hopkins Center for Global Health, then who the heck CAN we believe!?)

Is there a teeny tiny, itty bitty, almost imperceivably small risk that an accident could happen and someone in our family could get infected from a blood spill? Well, yes. But there is NOTHING that we do every day that does NOT involve a risk THAT TINY. Eating could involve choking. Going outside could involve lightening strikes or West Nile virus or Swine Flu or terrorist attack. Swimming could involve drowning. Riding in the car or on an airplane could involve a crash. The list in endless.

NOTHING IS WITHOUT RISK IN LIFE. (click here to see what I mean)

Every day I put my kids in the car KNOWING that the risk of death from riding in a vehicle is 1 in 84. (According to the National Safety Council.) Even for HEALTHCARE WORKERS (who deal daily with blood spills and needles!) the risk of contracting HIV from one of their patients in a NON-sexual, NON-drug use way is 1 in 1000. Among NON-healthcare workers, causal household transmission JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN! (click for proof)

This was starting to sound much less "bizarre" and a whole lot more DOABLE!

Next stop - our 3 local doctors (our pediatrician and the 2 doctors of mine and my husband’s).

Our pediatrician said it was "Great that you are doing this! How exciting!" and wanted to make sure we were aware of the financial aspect and that we could find a good pediatric infectious disease specialist. She discussed how she worked with other HIV+ kids and, thus, had experience in this area. As she talked for several minutes about these things she ever-so-casually slipped in

"...and of course the child would present no danger to your family..."

and then continued on to other matters. I was so pleased with yet another resounding confirmation that HIV is nothing to be scared of.

Then I met with my main doctor and asked, "Do you have any thoughts about the safety of my other kids living with an HIV+ child?" to which she leaned back in her chair and quickly answered,

"Oh no, I wouldn't BAT AN EYE at that!!"

(Those were her exact words. When she left the room for a minute to get some paperwork, I grabbed the pen in my purse and WROTE IT DOWN!) She then shared that a relative of hers is HIV positive and has done wonderfully on the ARVs for over 16 years now. She did warn us, however, that the STIGMA might be the only real challenge in regards to raising an HIV positive child. (making that about the zillionth time I had heard that warning)

My husband’s doctor was also very positive and encouraging and had no pressing worries for our other children whatsoever.

SO...Of course initially we had all those thoughts, What about our other kids? Would they be safe? What about accidents?” But, for us, it came down to a CHOICE between LOGIC or FEAR.

If we’re going to go with FEAR than we had to at least be consistent. If being around an HIV+ child was too much of a risk, then we should stop using cars, going outside when it’s raining, visiting amusement parks, going swimming, jumping on trampolines, horseback riding, and every other widely accepted but FAR more statistically ‘dangerous’ activity.

Just because the letters 'H' 'I' 'V' strike fear in our hearts doesn’t mean that this fear is LOGICAL or that we have to RESPOND irrationally to it. My 4 year old is afraid of ANTS, but that doesn't mean his fear is LOGICAL. In the end, we decided to choose Logic and tell Fear to take a hike.(because, contrary to hanging out with HIV+ people, hiking IS dangerous!)

So, after all the reasearch and consultations with medical professaionals, the fear faded away and in its place came hope and potential for the future. Now we are the proud waiting parents of a beautiful little 5 1/2 year old HIV+ girl from Ethiopia who we can't wait to hug and kiss and welcome into our family forever.

Thus, now I am an overprotective mom to 5 kids instead of 4. And still proud of it. :-)

-Daniel & Chantelle

3 months & some art!

We thought it would be fun to put her name on her wall - so we got creative! I haven't had a chance to photograph the last E - it will be Matt & I :)

AND today marks our 3rd month of waiting....something I'm getting worse at - not better :( I felt like God reminded me today of all the times He waits for me - sigh.....AND that He knows her situation - completely - she is never out of His sight, never out of His hands.....while this mama longs for the day I can be God's eyes & hands to our little Ellie - I rest in the knowledge that His plan is perfect, His timing is perfect, His ways are perfect......now if I could just actually ACT that way... I'd be much more pleasant to be around!!!

We celebrated another month down with a sprinkles cake!!!

Lots of good news to report!!

What a week it's been! Last weekend was the fair!!! I finally feel like I'm coming back to normal....well for me anyway!! ha!

Here's Ben getting filled up with lentils in the lentil pit play area - they did this to each other no less than 5 times each....it was quite funny!

The fair was amazing! The boys did so well. Running around showing pigs, goats, Jack was even able to get in and show his chicken....I was busy with Gabe at the goat show -so I don't know how they do that either!

Here's Gabe & Frank in the goat costume contest. The theme for the fair this year was "A Fair-y Tail".....so to go along with that Gabe was Prince Charming and Frank was Cinderella!

And in case you haven't seen "everything" we thought we'd share with you video of the "goat obstacle course"....I'm not sure who's getting the biggest workout - but I think it's my friend Caylene!

Anyway - Jack did VERY well with his Pig. On Saturday they auction the pigs off. To make a long story short - Jack needed to get $3/lb to fund the rest of his ticket to ET....and of course the swine flu has sent pork prices WAY down (b/c you know you can get swine flu from eating pig...duh! who would believe that - but apparently people do). Needless to say I was praying nonstop & when Jack's pig sold for $3/lb I started bawling....it was a bit embarassing - but God is SOOOO GOOOD!!! $3/lb on a 290 pig is pretty good. Thanks so much to "The Courtyard" for that VERY generous donation! We love you guys!!! Ben also got $3/lb for his pig!!! What a day!!!

Here's Jack showing his pig at the auction.

As if the stress of the fair wasn't enough - I'm jumping every time the phone rings...which is a LOT around our house. Thank goodness for caller ID or I'd be an absolute wreck. I keep imagining where we'll be when we get "the call"....with my luck probably in the shower, late for something important - that will just have to wait!!! I can't even imagine what it will be like to see her sweet face for the first time....wow! I start tearing up just thinking about it. Matt of course is all "manly" about all this stuff - but just you wait! He'll by crying twice as hard as me! I'll have pictures to prove it - I promise ;)

And even MORE GOOD NEWS!! Our homestudy update is complete! We're approved to adopt a special needs child - yeah!!!

Tissue warning!

Matt makes fun of my "blog stalking"....I call it research & encouragement time :) It's AMAZING what's out there...and how encouraged I feel after I read their stories! My new favorite blogger is a mom with 11 kids - 3 biological & the rest adopted - 3 of which are from Ethiopia.

Here's what she wrote awhile back....warning - it's a 3 hankie read!!

Kids and Moms (and Dads)

I have been thinking a lot about kids lately... kids who don't have moms (and dads)... kids waiting for moms, and what life is like for kids who do not have parents. I have been thinking about the transformation that occurs when a child realizes he has a mom, a dad, a family...security, love and somewhere to belong.

With some of our kids, that "realization" that they have a Mom and a family, that they have someone to belong to, someone to watch over them, someone to care for them and someone to love them, has been gradual. With some of our kids, there has been this "a ha!" moment, where you could just see that they "got it".

There was baby Maggie... almost four months old... laying on the bed in our hotel in Vietnam on our first full day together (I had been visiting her for days at the hospital before this point). Before her hospitalization she had lived in a government orphanage where the babies had their names written on their legs in black magic marker so they could be told apart, and got very very little personal attention. She didn't cry when she was hungry or when she wanted something. She was quiet and tiny, but I could tell she loved being held and loved the attention I was giving her.

I walked away from the bed where she was laying to get a bottle for her, and she made this teeny tiny pitiful (feeble attempt at a) cry, and I rushed over and picked her up and offered her the bottle. She got this look of amazement on her face with a little smile that seemed to say, "Holy cow! You mean that crying thing WORKS with you??" and after that she did not want anyone but me and always wanted me close. She got it. I was there for her. I was her mom.

With Mercy, she was nine years old. She had had a mom before, who did not value or respect her role as a mom. Mercy knew neglect and abuse and loss. Despite that, she came to us with an open heart and a surprising amount of trust. At one point during our first week, Des needed her hair washed (and Mercy had been the one to care for Des up until that point, even though she was only three years older). Mercy told Des to go into the bathroom so she could wash her hair, and I gently told Mercy that I could wash Des's hair, and reminded her that that was the kind of thing a Mom should do. The social worker had warned us that "letting go" of being the caregiver of Des might be hard for Mercy and we might have some power struggles over it... but Mercy looked at me and looked at Des and looked back at me and said, "You wash all the other little kids... You would wash Des's hair too?" and I said, "Yes". And she said, "And then what would I do?" and I said, "Well, you could go play." And she looked at Des again and then back at me, and then she got this huge smile on her face, and you could almost SEE her letting go of the responsibility of caring for her little sister. She ran over and gave me a hug, and then took off to play. She got it. I was there for her and for her sister. I was their mom.

With Solomon, that moment came when we left AHOPE for the second time together. We had spent two days together, and then we had gone back to AHOPE to visit. As we walked through the gate and the kids called out his name and came running to say hi to him, he sat in my arms with huge, silent tears running down his cheeks. He would not make eye contact with anyone (including me, the kids and the nannies) and just stared ahead with this heartbreaking acceptance of the fact that he thought he was being left. Again. It hurt me so much that he had come to accept this from life... that nice people came and went, but he did not truly belong to any of them. I couldn't imagine how his little heart felt and how he had endured all that he had already. I comforted him and held him close and told him over and over again in his ear that I would never, never, never leave him.

He started to relax a little the longer we were there and I stayed with him, but he was not his usual self. And then it happened. I put him in the sling, we waved good-bye, went back out through the gate and headed back up the road towards the hotel for some lunch. He got this HUGE grin on his face, and was bouncing up and down in the sling laughing, and then grabbing my face and kissing it over and over as we walked. He was so happy and joyful. He got it. He was not going to be left again. I was HIS. He was mine. I was his Mom.

Since then I have watched him blossom with love. I have watched him learn how to expect and look forward to being held often, comforted when he cries, rocked to sleep, having his needs met, getting individual attention and being smothered in hugs and kisses often. As I crawled into bed last night, a few hours after I had put him down to sleep, his little body turned towards me, and without waking up, he put his arm on me, snuggled in close and let out a content sigh.

All kids deserve that knowledge, that peace and that comfort. All kids deserve to know that they are loved and that they belong to someone.

I believe with all my heart that our Heavenly Father did not send us down here to go at life alone, to worry about ourselves and to focus our lives on material and trivial things. I believe with all my heart that we are meant to live in families... mothers, fathers and children together, focusing our lives on loving, enjoying and serving each other.

We have several reasons to believe that Solomon most likely spent very little (if any) time with his first mother. And yet even after multiple changes in caregivers and "homes", multiple losses and lots of suffering without a mom to comfort him, he KNEW what a Mom was for from our very first days together. His heart and soul reached out to mine and grabbed on firmly. He knew that he wanted a mom. He knew that hugs, kisses and rock-a-byes were something he wanted, deserved and needed. The other kids we met in Ethiopia knew it too. They knew that they belonged with parents. They knew that something big was missing from their lives.

My heart rejoices for my kids and others that have had their lives changed so drastically...who were once alone, and now live with love, security and family. Watching Solomon over the past few weeks has reminded me of what an incredible miracle adoption is.

And at the same time, my heart aches for the so very many kids who are living life alone right now. . Even the very best orphanage is no comparison to a home and family. It is wrong that these kids must wait and yearn for a family. They deserve, as all children do, the peace and security that comes with the knowledge of knowing that they belong to someone, that they are being cared for and that they are loved.

This is why I support adoption...because I have seen the sadness in the eyes of the children who wait for moms, I have seen the amazing transformation in children once they have been "claimed" and loved, and because I believe, with all my heart, that that love and belonging is what our lives on this Earth are supposed to be about.

Perfect Match

I had spoken in church some months back about how we had 4 gorgeous, healthy, wonderful boys & how I felt guilty asking for 1 more.....

Well, Steve approached me after church today. He told me that he really felt God wanted him to tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty. But that God had made a promise to the first parents of our little angel. He promised them that He would take care of her. We are the fulfillment of that promise. We are the answer to a mothers prayer....to a fathers desperate plea....I was so overwhelmed....that God could use us in such a mighty way. I was so humbled. I was so at peace - in fact I've never felt more at peace in my life!!!

Of course I stood there with alligator tears running off my chin....and I am praying so hard that her first parents have as much peace giving her up as we have about receiving her. I can't even imagine....

So we're a perfect match - she needed a family to love her & we needed a little girl to love....I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU BABY!!! I am so sorry you have to go through so much - but God has PROMISED He'll take care of you!!!

First Day of School!!!

Well I'm a bit teary eyed as I type this....all 4 of them excitedly skipped to the bus at 7:45 this morning!!! Caleb doesn't technically start pre-school until next week - but their bus driver is so awesome she let him ride the bus in this morning. Matt had to go to Spokane this morning anyway, so he followed the bus in, took Caleb to meet his teacher & see his classroom & then is headed to Spokane.

They all picked out their clothes last night - even socks & shoes! I'm so proud of them. They're all growing up to be such amazing people. Jackson is soooo excited to come to ET with us. This whole experience has really grown him. He's becoming much more sensitive to the needs of others. Ben is such a sweetie. He still loves his snuggle time & is so much fun to be around!! Gabriel loves to be helpful. He & Ben are still inseparable. He's mostly out of the costume phase :( but every now & then I catch him dressed up as something! Caleb is so independent....and yet still so much of a pre-schooler. He wants to be grown up - but still needs a nap ;) He adores getting to "go" and is really fun to take on errands....he knows all the places that give out candy - like the bank!!

Here they are on the porch right before the bus came this morning.